#posting the rough sketch because i already re-did this THREE times and still cannot get it right...

[mini-uzzy]

💀Ghost💀 and 🧼Soap🧼

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btw commissions are open!! please help a struggling fella out... details are pinned on my profile... just DM me.. thank you!! 💖

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tags 👇

[madfantasy]

Dear Blogging

Hello dears, how have you been? I am re-energized, still open for commissions and under good pressure. Will talk endlessly about those, heh.

★How do I feel now after all this time trying to convince myself to not sink and stay afloat beyond the depth— that has no prosperous outcome to dive into— but cause more ache and suffering.. was empty, and now under a different surge of energy — mercifully weightless.

I was burnt out, streched thin, out of my mind with indecisive grief and had no reason to dream anew. Sounds hurtful to the ear but it was better to me than storms that uproot their surroundings and bring an end to perhaps a growing needed tedious process of repair. And it is what I am going under right now.

I suppose it means no more inktober daily for me. I was feeling uncertain with my art before but three days into it I have hated the guts of it. The influence of that horrendous dismay has brought down everything right along with it. Dishing out art like that whilst being under the pressure of time mixed with others things were the least constructive thing I needed to do in an already strained state— I knew it will be all-round draining but thought I needed a distraction— fell into destruction instead. And that what I have tried to depict in the last sketch to express myself. I feel I could have done more if I wasn't scrambling to post it before midnight: The absent of balance (the hand) has brought out the worst in me; the spotlight shone excessively until it paled the whole picture and focused only on the thickest part of it. Shadows consumed the light, while reviving me—in the darkness I have yet to create, but cannot see the results. Which have broken my spirit, but my work is there, visible, and to me has a glow of its own and fight to appear against the engulfing black.

I'm sorry for casting my worries wordlessly as such. Speaking is too harder of a task when I find myself in distressed or in such baseless trance. It's like having a mouthful of unpleasantness that you can't either swallow or spit out. And usually with force comes out like incoherent garble. (In my case, I write poems instead of talking cuz that's all I can think of, I can't do it any other time which is one of my strange cases, heh)

That being said, I never thought to do self expressing things before- and when I do, I usually erase them before I finish... but because I came through in the middle of doing it—it was a good experience. In a way, it urged me look for brushes. And while doing so I found me a new Master to study their artwork in awe, seeing their skill picked me up my dwindling desires because I found in them something I want to achieve in my artwork. Even if I feel like a dunderhead in comparison hehe, and don't link with the subject of their artwork, the feel of it is amazing. That's what I need in life, something to hit you in the face because of its present and not its title or what it is representing. Such happy chance.

★I have posted that I'm still open for commissions, but did not explain myself. It's got everything to do with wanting to improve my art in any way. I want to do art in greater, clearer picture quality. And the more I increase the resolution, the more the strokes of my brush slows. And I love CSP and would love to dive more into it, but I can't do much on it as it often lags if things got heavy, I tried everything out there to resolve those issues, got nothing so far.

I got an email from the library here encouraging to pre-order the new iPad. So I thought oh yeah people use it for art-ing and always heard how it did replace most of their art gear. So I have done lots of research and I find it so appealing especially with CSP and other apps I wanna try. I haven't seen its price until the very end and it did knock me through three walls whilst very much expecting it to be high, heh. So I'd like to get me one. I already have an app for a specific thing to do in it, like an app for painting and other for drawing and so on. Idk I can't try it without buying so it's a huge leap of faith hehe.

★Thank you for reading my blabber. You're amazing, wonderful and deserve the best in life. You can bring everything you visualize to life because it came to light in your mind, from the talents within you, awaiting your command to flourish, you are the tool to build it. I believe and trust in you to get over the burdens and follow the graceful pitter-patter of your heart wishes as it speeds at the mention of your desires. And if you can't see them, please try to listen, your consciousness often does speak to you, pay attention and you will see the jewel encrusted in you glitter, reflecting who you are and who you can be. Let it be you on the outside, want that success with your all, and don't allow the rule of mere mortals diminish you, your dreams, and everything you stand and believe in. I'm sorry you had the rough times, I'm sorry when there was no one to listen, I'm sorry for the precious tears you shed, bless your tolerance, you brave brave soul. It's hard, but sometimes it's all a must to form you, to shape you for your approaching destiny. You're one your way, bless your efforts and wish you a good night/day my dears 💛🌟.